The winter has officially hit NYC, snow and all.
Being Peruvian and this being a complete shock to my system, automatically drives me into this fight or flight mode, where I shiver and just want to cry. Which only reminds me, and encourages me to think on the beauty of winter, on the beauty of the darkness, on the beauty of unease, on the beauty of struggle, on the beauty of silence.
Osho says: “Only a whole man is a holy man”
To become whole again we have to find the holes in our wholeness. These are gray holes, areas of uncertainty where we aren’t sure who we are or why we are here, or what our place in the world is. This is very unfortunate for our ego, which likes things fixed and secure.
With time, we have hidden our our pure, untainted, free souls deep down in buried holes. But, as Garbielle Roth says, "the memory of wholeness lingers in our consciousness, and striving to reclaim this unity is, truly the mission of our lives. “
These holes that our souls take refuge in are holes within ourselves.
They are the deep dark paths within that at some point we decided to close down, and hang up a big warning NO ENTER sign. They are those parts inside ourselves that we constantly try to pretend don’t exist, and so we tiptoe through our lives accompanied by a growing sense of unease. In fact, what we are truly scared of—what we are truly trying to avoid—is ourselves.
And of course, we fill up or cover these holes with food, drugs and alcohol. But these substitutes only create a very thin, momentary layer and the depth of these holes keeps calling us and pulling us back.
This inner knowledge is calling at our door, literally, beneath our feet. And we run. We run tiptoeing, scared that the ground beneath us will crack, knowing that there are holes, but just thinking, “maybe this time if I run fast enough, lightly enough, I can be ok.” But we’re not. And you know it. You know the need to pause. You know the need to close your eyes for a minute and just breathe with yourself. You know the need in you to be merciful with yourself, the need to acknowledge, respect, and get to know your wounded parts.
Because IN THOSE HOLES, in going INTO those holes, is where our wholeness resides. In those holes our spirits wait for us, patiently, until we get our act together, knowing that it is the very process of going through those tunnels, of searching and being uncomfortable at times, that will allow us to become whole once again.
I don’t mean go down into those holes, get lost, become a victim and find ourselves stuck underground, losing touch with the world around us. I mean go in there, with courage, with trust in life, knowing that there is life outside of those holes. But as long as we refuse to accept those holes, as long as we refuse to explore them, our ground will always be shaky, uneasy, dangerous. Our paths will continue to be a risk. We will continue to be afraid of ourselves, becoming mere walking fragments of a person.
If, instead, you decide to delve deep, to explore, to make those holes known territory, you can come up again having brought to those holes and tunnels so much beauty, so much light, so much color, that they begin to fill up with newness, with love, with a rising energetic force, so that we can spring up to the surface and back into life. To rescue our souls—those warm, ecstatic, sweet parts of us—we have to dance into those black holes.
It is about being brave enough to go into those holes within ourselves and then know that we can pull ourselves back together
It is about having the courage and curiosity to see what lies within them. Once you go in, you realize it wasn’t so bad after all. That, in fact, fear was the only thing preventing you from seeing the lovely warm sweet parts of you that reside deep down.
Pulling yourself back together is like its like mulabandha, the root lock, in yoga. You pull everything up, from the base of your spine, making your legs feel lighter, allowing you to rise into a handstand or a forearm stand, giving you the power to counteract the heaviness of gravity, giving you the power to literally pull yourself up and back together.
It is using that gravity to go down into the holes, to explore those tunnels, and then gather up all that energy from the ground, from that constant and inevitable downward pull that we all feel, and using it to rise up.
Up into your arms.
Up into your heart.